Anyone who knows me knows I am not a fan of change.....but this time...change is going to happen whether I like it or not.
It has been hard for me. I lost someone so close to me....so violently..and so selfishly. I have spent the last little while thinking "what if?". What if I had stopped by that night? What if I had spent more time with him? What if I had responded to the text messages? What if I had actually forced him to get help?
I am slowly starting to realize it is not my fault...even though he said it was. For some reason I think I can save and change everyone. I have always been a helper...and I finally met my match. I am starting to realize that Jerone would have killed himself no matter what, and if I had been there he would have taken me with him. I did the last thing to help him that I could..I broke into the apt.....I found him hanging there.....and I called 9-1-1....and I got him back to his family and at rest...where he wanted so badly to be. I must now close this horrible chapter and realize all that is in front of me. I will never forget him, and I will never forget what he looked like after 2 days hanging when I opened that door. I have mixed emotions right now. I miss him so much...and I want him back....but I am angry that he set me up to find him. People who care for others should not do that. It was so selfish and just wrong and now I have to live experiencing that with no real direction. I have no enemy I can be angry with....maybe his family....maybe him...I don't know.
I have the best group of friends and the greatest boyfriend in the world. Everyone has been soo strong...and I will never forget that. Now I have to move on myself. Jerone moved on and set his own direction....when and how he wanted. Now it is my turn, but unlike him, I plan on making the most of my life. It is going to be rough....and I know the sadness will be there for a while, but it is time for me to move on. I know it is alright to cry....but all I can do for him now is just pray that I will once again get to see him some day. When I do...I am going to kick the sh*t out of him....and he knows it....but he will probably be laughing the whole time I do it....I guess by then...it will all be behind us. The one thing we never did in our friendship was judge eachother. We knew we were not perfect...and if I have to dive down to hell for the opportunity to save him yet again...I will. I know he is waiting for me somewhere...he just could not do it here.....it was too much for him....and he found his way to move on. I guess I can just end it with a part of the last texts he sent me:
"Good bye my friend...I will still hold your hand in my sleep."
Jerone will always be with me....he was one of the best friends I had ever had in the short time I knew him. He was a great guy...but life was just too painful for him.....he was too mentally sick to take it. I just wish he could have enjoyed more of it before he left. I just wish he could have left some other way.
